Self-Awareness is the Precursor to Self-Love
Self-awareness is everything. I think sometimes we say, “I want to gain greater self awareness,” but it often ends there. Why do we just stop exploring?
I think for a couple of reasons.
Sometimes we honestly don't know where to start with gaining more self-awareness. We go through the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives and often don't slow down to check in with ourselves.
Another reason is that we might be a little afraid to figure out what's inside of us.It’s so easy to become fearful of our deepest thoughts and feelings - so we tend to avoid them.
I'd like to give you a few things to think about in order to start curating this idea of self-awareness. You will gain great self-awareness by committing to taking a journey inward.
What I mean by this is getting to know yourself better than you've ever known yourself before. This means being aware of the situations that you find yourself in and noticing how you respond to them. And, this is just one example.
The next thing that will come up is discomfort. With growth there will always be discomfort. Facing discomfort (which is just a feeling that can't hurt you anyway) is going to be how your journey of self-awareness starts to deepen even further.
There could be some time between the start of your journey going inward, sitting with the discomfort, and then finally allowing for that journey outward. For each person, it will be different. How do you choose to show up in the world?
With self-awareness, we can be deliberate about what we want to change, OR, we may decide that we're fine just where we are right here and now.
Self-awareness is the precursor to finding self-love… so I am preparing you NOW because in the coming weeks we are going to take a journey toward unconditional self love. Are you ready? Let’s start to become aware. Is there anything this year that you have become AWARE of, that you didn’t recognize in yourself before?
I want to share one of my favorite quotes by the famous psychotherapist Dr. Carl Jung. He said, “Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
Sending you big love, my friends.
Are you a Self-Critic or a Self-Coach?
Do you have a stronger self-coach or a stronger self-critic? If you have any amount of perfectionism… we can assume that our self-critics are olympian-strength level.
Sometimes, we don’t realize how this is affecting the relationship that we have with ourselves. Mostly, because we aren’t even aware of how often we are criticizing ourselves. Often these thoughts are just automatic.
The good news is that it takes the same amount of energy to be a self-critic and it does to be a self-coach. Except, if we choose self-coach, we will be paid back in dividends with the energy we are able to acquire. So what is the resistance? Why do we choose to be self-critical? Again, it is not our fault - it is just a slew of old programmed thoughts.
But, now that we are aware: we can do something about it.
We can choose what we want to believe about ourselves. We can become the person who we want to become by thinking differently than we have before. You know the old saying, “If you want the same result, keep doing the same thing.” So, if you want to keep being a self-critic, keep thinking the same thoughts. If you want to be a self-coach, learn to create new ones.
So, let’s start nice and easy.
Think about something that you really really want for yourself. Identify what that is. Be very specific and very clear. As an example, I am going to use the goal of improved body composition. This goal is tangible and comes up in my groups all of the time. If I were working with someone to help them with this goal, from time to time, they may feel “stuck.” Feeling stuck may indicate that deep down we have a belief that we can’t really get what we want. This is our self-critic.
Here is the good news. You can choose to see your self-critic at the door right now. Today. All you have to do is recognize when your critic is showing up to play. You recognize and then make a decision. Would you prefer to choose your self-coach? Let’s get that self-coach off the bench. With your self-coach on board, anything is possible. And - you will actually have the energy to follow through. Again, it takes no additional effort to choose the coach.
How do you like to be coached? What would your coach say to you to be inspired? What do you need to hear? This is what we work on creating. This is the magic language that will allow you to feel more content, see glimpses of self-compassion, and to stop feeling stuck.
Finally, how will you decide to choose your coach over your critic? Any resistance here? What is the worst thing that could happen if you believed your coach?
You are amazing and dynamic and unique… you got this.
Mind-Body Goals in 2022
Happy New Year, my friends.
One of the things that I hope to bring you, my loyal readers, is more value. My hope is to offer you some effective tools to make progress just by reading the weekly blog. So, I thought we would start off right away.
Mind-Body Goals. That’s what we are talking about today. I am going to go one step further and say that today we are going to create 1 mental, 1 physical, and 1 emotional goal for 2022.
In order to do this, please follow along with this email and go through the steps in order. I recommend grabbing a pen and paper and writing down your observations as you go.
Step 1. Close your eyes and visualize your ideal state of health and well-being. Where are you? What are you wearing? What hairstyle are you wearing? What time of day is it? What are you doing? How are you feeling? Be as specific as possible and record it on your paper.
Step 2. Close your eyes and again visualize yourself in your ideal state of health and well-being. This time we are focusing on our physical self. When you think of your physical health, is there anything that you are particularly concerned with? Perhaps you were just notified that you have high cholesterol or high fasting blood sugars, or maybe you have been feeling more fatigue. Maybe, you are feeling strong on your runs, but you have been skimping on your weight training. Or - maybe it is time to schedule your mammogram, colonoscopy, yearly check-up, or wellness visit.
What is one area that you want to focus on and set a small goal to improve? Let’s say you have had trending fasting blood sugars and you want to educate yourself on the best strategy to improve this. Notice I didn’t say that you have to fix your blood sugars today, we are just planning to educate ourselves on how to do this. Small, Realistic, Goals that we can set today.
Now, you are certainly allowed to have more than 1 physical goal, but I am a big fan of picking 1 and only 1… making progress on it… and then moving on to another. On your sheet of paper, write the one physical area of improvement and the first step you will take toward improving it.
Example:
Area of Improvement: LDL Cholesterol
First Step: Research best lifestyle modifications to improve this value
Step 3. Close your eyes and again visualize yourself in your ideal state of health and well-being. This time, we are focusing on our mental health. Can you identify any repetitive, intrusive thoughts that you have been managing recently? Thoughts that would drive you away from your ideal state of health? Perhaps you are experiencing a lot of “should” statements. “I should have done this… I should not have done that.” See if you can think of anything that has been on your mind and doesn’t make you feel very good.
Once you identify the thought, I want you to analyze it. Write your thought on your paper and then below the thought, start to list all of the evidence that would disprove it. Be as specific as you can. I want to show you that it is very easy to slip into the automatic negative thought pattern, but with just a little bit of work, we can also create thoughts that will serve us much better.
After you begin to disprove your thought with your evidence that goes against it, you may feel a bit lighter.
Next step is deciding what you want to believe instead. This is creating an intentional thought. This is powerful because none of us know the future. Our automatic negative thought and our new intentional thought have the same chance of being accurate. Or both of them could be wrong, quite honestly. The point is - which do we choose to believe? Once you have that thought… then a mental goal can be to go through this process again and again so that you can continue making more and more intentional thoughts.
Step 4. Close your eyes and again visualize yourself in your ideal state of health and well-being. This time we are focusing on our emotional health. When you visualize yourself, how do you feel? Content? Calm? Relaxed? Think about the feeling first, then write it on your paper. In order to feel a certain way, you have to think a certain way. Underneath the feeling on your paper, list all of the thoughts that make you feel that way.
Here is an example. If when I close my eyes, I visualize myself as content. Then, I would write CONTENT on my paper. Next, I would generate all of the thoughts that make me feel content. Here are a few: I am exactly where I need to be. I trust myself to make good decisions. I am a good friend. I appreciate my good health. My size does not define me.
You get the idea? The idea is that with your emotional 2022 goal, you do have a say in how you feel. How can you think of more thoughts that help you create the feeling that you want?
You can use this exercise again and again over the course of the year. Think of what you can achieve in mind, body, and emotions over the course of the year?!
Don’t want to do this work alone? Maybe you are looking for a community of women physicians who are committed to their mental, physical, and emotional self-care? We hang out in G.O.A.L.S. Society!! Our FREE 30-Day is going away soon… and we have so much amazing content this January. You can check out our community HERE.
2022 Here We Come
I am sitting here as I write to you all revisiting 2021. So this time last year, we were enjoying a Quarantine Holiday. The kids were in virtual school, so the holiday break didn’t feel like the typical break. Because… well… there was no break in the regular routine.
At this point Mark and I were awaiting our first vaccination that would happen in January. We were both working from home, grocery delivery was the new norm, and Amazon purchases were in high demand. We would take weekend trips to our pool house to get a change of scenery.
When January hit, we were so excited to look forward to our vaccines, but for us, our lifestyle wouldn’t change because the kids would not be vaccinated. We had tremendous cabin fever because we had been home bound since March of 2020. We had an at-home Valentine’s Day celebration where we hired the girls to be our waitresses who we call Scar and Betty.
March seemed to fly by because we were anxiously awaiting our trip to Florida, where we would rent a VRBO for a whole month. We drove all the way to Cape Coral with some fun stops at Wake Forest and The Biltmore. During our time in Florida, we relaxed, we swam, we had our first outdoor meals, and we walked… a lot. We even made it to Disney for a few days.
It was on our walks that Mark made the decision to cut down on his clinical practice and to join me in my business. Almost 9 months ago we decided this. And in just a few days, this will become our reality. What we realized is that we can’t buy time. What are we waiting for? Why not go after what we want now?
Mark and I met in med school and we always talked about working together one day. The problem was, I was a neonatologist and he was a psychiatrist. We had always thought about how we could combine our two worlds. Never in a million years did we imagine that we could build our own thing, our way, and give more value and help than we ever thought possible.
As of January 1st, Mark comes into Life Coaching for Women Physicians as an expert coach who will deliver topics like: Beyond Coaching, Relationship Real Talk, and Did I Screw Up My Kids? Together, we are excited to bring opportunities for tremendous growth in the physical, mental, and emotional health space.
The kids are at their new school and THEY ARE THRIVING. We have met so many amazing families and we feel so connected to the community. They are taking Spanish, Drama, Music, and Art classes. They are also learning to ice skate and considering learning to play Ice Hockey. It is a joy to bring them to school each day.
Our puppy, Lilly, is our third child. She is a silly, loving, sweet addition to our family. She spends all day looking for food. She also loves to chase birds and go to Starbucks. She really is the perfect fit for our family.
2021 taught us a lot. I think it allowed us to pause and decide to go after creating the legacy that we dreamed up 20 years ago as 2 young medical students. None of us can predict the future, so perhaps we can decide that the future holds the best possible scenarios for us all. This is what I am choosing to believe.
I am sending you all so much love.
Cheers to an amazing 2022.
If you are a woman physician and want to enjoy G.O.A.L.S. Society where Dr. Mark will make his debut, we are still offering a FREE 30-day through the end of January. You can read more about our amazing program HERE.
Shaking Old Thinking Patterns About Weight and The Scale
I fell into an old thought pattern the other day. I received some information from my primary care doctor that included what the BMI chart claims my weight should be: a full 15 kilos less than what I currently weigh.
For data purposes, my current BMI falls just within “normal,” yet my doctor’s printout said that I was significantly overweight. To follow up my stance that muscular healthy bodies are going to be heavier, I had my body composition analysis completed. And as I suspected, my skeletal muscle mass is what drives my scale weight up. But, even with this information… I still couldn’t shake the idea that I was apparently 15kg overweight. And this is not pounds…this is kilos we are talking!
I found myself spiraling, letting the old thoughts and beliefs I used to hold about my weight take precedence over what I currently know to be true. When these old thoughts resurface, it’s so important to have the power tools in your arsenal to tackle them head-on.
So what is my point? Our brains categorically take inconsequential events and build these huge stories and narratives around them that may or may not be true. The best thing you can do about them is to recognize them for what they are, understand that you will have them, no matter what, and learn to reevaluate them so you can reframe your thoughts into better intentions.
I believe the most important part of developing new, healthier thought patterns is to have emotional self-care practices in place. One of the best ways to do this is to talk about, and set, boundaries - not just with the people in your life, but also with yourself.
I’d also recommend being aware of “should” statements. They’re limiting and restrictive and don’t often tell you what you actually need to do in your own personal circumstances. They’re also usually tied into your old thought patterns and beliefs - you know, the ones you’re trying to get rid of! For example…"I should weigh 15kg less," based on nothing scientific is not helpful.
I wanted to bring this up because the idea is to not get rid of the thoughts completely, but to develop power tools to address the thoughts that do not serve us. I thought this was a very good example of how my career is devoted to helping women with body acceptance and optimizing their genetic potential, yet I forgot about this for a brief moment when an automatic negative thought took over.
Moral of the story… we are all human.
Sending you love and comfort and normalizing the old beliefs that will resurface from time to time.
Reevaluating Our Relationships
When the pandemic hit, my husband Dr. Mark and I knew we had to sit down and re-evaluate our relationship and the hats we wore. Living and working in the same house proved to be more challenging than we’d initially expected. We both found ourselves pushing boundaries.
It’s still a work-in-progress, but Mark and I opened the conversations that needed to happen so we could get our relationship and happiness back. We knew we needed to establish our goals in our relationship and as parents, but first, we needed to figure out our individual goals.
By setting our individual goals, we were able to fit them into our shared goals easier. What’s worked for us is setting aside time to discuss each of the different hats we wear; for example, if we’re on a walk, we dedicate one topic per lap. It’s all about finding what works for you.
Support Your Partner/Close Friends, Especially When Things Are Hard
One of the things we’ve learned over the last two years is how to support each other as parents, too. Even though we have different parenting styles, we can still show up and ‘tap-in’ when we see the other struggling or needing a bit of extra alone time.
When things get difficult, as they do, especially when spending close to 24 hours together, we’ve found that remembering what originally drew us to each other is helpful. Going back to those early roots can help a relationship stay alive and loving.
Finally, it doesn’t have to always be about the outcome. I’ve noticed how Mark is making more of an effort in many different areas. I’m so excited to see how our relationship together, as parents, and as business owners continues to grow and evolve.
Don't be afraid to ask for support.
Showing Up For Yourself
How often do you find yourself setting a plan, whether that’s about your health and nutrition, bedtime, or even making a big purchase, but you feel pressured by other people to change it?
It’s normal for us to feel that societal pressure and honestly, it’s even normal to give in to it. But what happens if you don’t?
What happens if you ask yourself if by giving in, you’re not showing up for your future self?
Especially as people-pleasers, we think by saying yes to what other people ask us to do, even if it’s outside our plan for ourselves, it’s what they want. And if it’s what the other person wants, then it’s in our best interest to do it.
I totally understand that showing up for yourself is not always comfortable. It’s a new muscle that you haven’t trained yet, but it will get easier with time.
Standing in your own truth and your own power is the best thing you can do. Not just for you who is standing there in the moment, but for your future self who benefits from the action you’re taking.
By showing up for your future self, you’re putting yourself into a growth mindset. Nothing good happens in your comfort zone, but so many incredible things happen when you step out of it.
Sending you all my love friends… and please know that I too am practicing my life outside my comfort zone.
Could You Use Some More Space?
If you feel that you’re constantly giving to others and never have enough time, you need to make more space for yourself. You might have already started to do this. Either way, your health and happiness rely on this space.
Stay alert for the times when your brain tells you it’s okay to fill the space you just made. Remember, the more we fill the more we can do. Yet, if you fall into this way of thinking, the boundaries that you’ve set up to protect your wellbeing will crumble.
Start by getting clear on your priorities.
You only have so much time and energy. Make sure it’s well spent.
What Happens When You Have the Space You Need?
A number of wonderful things happen when you make the space you need for yourself.
Your creativity will flourish. The irony here is that the more you say no to certain things, the more productive you can actually be.
You’ll also learn to be more comfortable with your thoughts. We’re so conditioned to always be busy that just sitting and thinking has become a rare practice.
When we create the right space, magic follows. We get more creative. We allow ourselves to live without judgment. We discover truths about ourselves. We find new insight into how we show up.
XO,
Ali
Do More of What Works
Every single person has multiple roles they engage in every day. Partner, parent, child, sibling, employee, entrepreneur, volunteer… you get the idea. But what happens when you actually take the time to look at how these roles are serving you? And, more importantly maybe, how you’re serving them?
By breaking down three questions in the narrative of all the different hats you wear - for me specifically in this podcast episode, as a wife, as a parent, and as a coach - I can reevaluate how I best show up in these roles. Identifying what’s not working really does allow you to figure out what is working and how you can use the momentum from that to create space to do more of that.
What are those three questions?
- What’s working?
- What’s not working?
- What can I do more of?
Opening up to the other people who experience you in these roles helps with communication barriers, as well. By knowing more about yourself and what doesn’t work for you, you can openly talk about that, apologize if necessary, and come to mutual decisions about how to move forward.
Finally, knowing your ultimate goal helps this whole process. If you know where you want to end up, you can curate your approach to make it work even better. Doing more of what works will absolutely help you reach those long-term goals quicker.
Say Yes to Yourself
Saying “yes” to yourself is a revolution that will absolutely change your life. You will feel freer while, at the same time, more in control of your life than ever before. But conditioning makes it so much easier to deny what we really want.
A magical, wonderful thing happens when you start to honor yourself and say “yes” to your true desires. You gain confidence, happiness, and charisma… and when this happens, you’re less likely to seek external validation.
But not only that: people will feel compelled to agree with what *you* want because of how much you’re lighting up with it.
Being stuck in an endless cycle of denial and saying “no” to yourself will inevitably make life start to feel sticky.
I want you to look at what areas of your life feel this way so you can start identifying the barriers you have to honoring yourself.
So how do we even make it possible to say “yes” to ourselves? It starts with identifying those sticky spots and starting to understand the thoughts behind them. We know from previous work how our thoughts are not facts, so it really is about getting to the root of the thought models holding us in denial.
Once you’ve identified these thought models, you can start to feel and understand how they’re limiting you. We’re so conditioned to accept our “no” that transforming it to a “yes” feels impossible. But it’s not enough to just change your thoughts.
Let’s explore how to create more of the feeling saying “yes” brings you. Cultivating that feeling leads to you saying “yes” to yourself more often. And these practices lead to a healthier, happier, more authentic life.
How will you say “yes” to yourself today? What can you do today that is in the highest honor of yourself?
Have a listen to my podcast that is hot off the press… I dive deeper into this topic. You can listen HERE.
Put Down the Stale Halloween Candy
If you are like me, you know what a diet is. And, if you know what a diet is, then you are familiar with the many thoughts and feelings it can provoke.
The diet usually starts off on a positive note. We complete our shopping list and food prep with hope and excitement. We follow and believe in our new “lifestyle.” But over time, the shopping list looks longer, the food prep seems harder, and we are not making the progress that we think we should.
How do we navigate through this all? What is the answer?
You should probably sit down while I reveal this truth. The answer may be hard to accept because of what it implies. But, the answer lies within you.
You have all the tools to attain the food freedom that you desire.
This type of freedom is completely unique to you. This is not something that you can copy from your neighbor; that tactic won’t work long term.
Everyone has a reason for wanting to manipulate their food consumption. Some want to gain weight, some want to lose, and some want to attain the better health that is promised by certain foods.
If you believe that your reason is worth the trouble, then likely you will take major action to reach your goal. What if major action is more than following a scripted exercise and nutrition plan?
Lasting results will only be possible if you are ready to go to work mentally.
What do you want your results to be? Personally, I want to be strong with an optimal body composition while eating foods that I enjoy AND fuel my body. And even more important, I do not want to obsess over food. To get these lasting results, my thoughts have to be convincing.
These new thoughts have to be so powerful and believable that they can replace the old ones.
And remember, old habits are hard to break.
To develop your plan, you need to identify the foods that will nourish your body, and eat these foods “all of the time.” The other foods, eat “sometimes.” This is a description of the 80/20 rule. Let’s be honest, it could be 60/40, 90/10, 50/50, does it really matter? The point is that you are making an effort to eat healthy most of the time.
I won’t be talking about which foods to eat. You will pick those. But I do want to give some tips as you begin to create your forever “eat healthy most of the time” plan. Your “sometimes” foods may not be eaten as often as your “always” foods, but they are just as important. In fact, they may even be more important.
This is what you need to remember about your sometimes foods. If there were ever a time to splurge on good quality - this is it. If you are going to eat chocolate, eat the best chocolate. If you are going to drink wine, drink the best wine. If you are going to eat buttered bread, please eat it warm and crusty out of the oven. Eat it slow. Enjoy every bite. But for the love of, put down the old stale Twix bar… make sure that bad boy is fresh and fabulous.
Happy Halloween… and remember... get snobby with your candy.
Change is Hard
Let’s face it, change can feel DIFFICULT…
Sometimes IMPOSSIBLE...
There are many reasons for this. Oftentimes, the change we want to make is one that we have tried to accomplish before. Perhaps we were not successful, and -
We called it a failure with a Big F.
Failure can result in an underlying automatic thought that we don’t have what it takes to change. We don’t have the willpower. We don’t have the time. All of these negative thoughts promote negative feelings. It is near impossible to achieve a desired result running on a negative feeling.
Beside the negative thoughts of failed past experiences, we also have to deal with the never-ending excuses or justifications that our brain will tell us. Thoughts such as, “You had a hard day, you should drink the bottle of wine.” Or perhaps, “You exercised for 2 hours today, you earned 3 snickers bars.”
Our brain offers us excuses
with hopes that we will use them
…so we can avoid negative emotion.
Let me give an example. Let’s say that you are depleted from a long day at work and you are supposed to meet with your trainer for a workout in 30 minutes. The thought of working out makes you feel absolutely overwhelmed.
In this situation, your brain may suggest the excuse, “You are just pushing too hard, you need a break.” The excuse takes away the feeling of overwhelm in the moment. So, you decide that it is a good idea to cancel your workout. You call your trainer and cancel.
The next morning, after a good night’s rest, you experience major regret that you did not stick to your workout plan. You let your excuse talk you into skipping your session so that you did not have to feel the feeling of overwhelm. In the end, you traded overwhelm for regret plus gained extra negative self-talk from not following through on your plan.
Does this sound familiar?
I tell this story because as we are trying to make changes...
...Our brains will try very hard to come up with believable excuses.
This is why your REASON for change has to be so strong that it trumps any excuses that could easily be used.
With any change, we tend to experience extra strong emotions that are often negative. Being prepared to experience these emotions will keep you one step ahead in order to stay on track.
When my clients tell me of the strong negative feelings that are coming up all of a sudden after a few weeks of enjoying an easy-to-manage mind, I congratulate them. This means that change is happening at the CORE!
If you are considering making a change because you think you SHOULD… Proceed with caution.
“Should statements” fall into the thought distortion category.
When we think we “should” do something, we believe that by saying it out loud, we are convincing ourselves to change. This could backfire with a vengeance.
If you proceed because you think you should, your reason for change will not be compelling enough.
You will rely on willpower to dodge the negative emotions and excuses until your willpower exhausts. Then you will find yourself in the relapse cycle.
When you do this, you are not learning how to allow negative feelings in. If you learn to allow yourself to feel the negative feelings, you will never need to use willpower. This is transformation from the inside out.
Finally, if you move forward toward change with no good reason, and you fail - your relationship with yourself will continue to dwindle. You will continue to create negative thoughts toward yourself, and you may even start to believe them.
I encourage you to be honest with yourself.
Perhaps, you are not committed to changing right now. It could be that you are just not ready to embark on a new journey immediately.
Be kind and patient with yourself.
Your epic reason for change will surface if change is truly desired. But, until it does: appreciate where you are right now…
Where you are right now may be pretty awesome!
Exercise for Internal Results
Today, I wanted to share a little bit about my exercise journey. Hope you enjoy.
I would get so excited every time my exercise assignment came via email. I reviewed the new material from my fitness coach. Only 5 days of cardio this week… I wonder why she cut me back? The 5 days of strength training had a lot of focus on my glutes. I guess I need to gain some muscle and lose fat? I laced up my tennis shoes and looked at myself in the mirror. My reflection looking back at me didn’t look happy.
What was I doing to myself?
Exercise has always been a big part of my life. Early on, my family spent most Sundays going on a 4 mile walk around Lake Scranton. To this day, I still love to walk. My husband Mark and I take the girls out for a walk around the neighborhood multiple times a week.
But Exercise took on a new meaning in high school, when unhealthy exercise behaviors started. I was bigger than all of my friends. I did not embrace the fact that I was an athlete. Nonetheless, I was on a mission to lose 20 pounds. To this day, I have no idea where the number 20 came from. I did lose those 20 pounds, but gained a whole lot of other issues.
I was exercising so much that I believed this was the only way I could maintain my 20-pound weight loss. I developed acne and my period stopped. I would wake up early so that I could get my 5 mile walk in for the day; I was only a senior in high school. Exercise became unhealthy and started to interfere with fun activities that I should have been enjoying.
I was recruited to play college softball, and I attended on scholarship. My softball game had changed with the weight loss; I was not the power hitter I once was. Unhappy, lonely, and hungry, I started my college career. I gained back 20 pounds plus an additional 15 despite intense daily physical activity. My confidence was damaged.
My trend was to gain and lose 20 pounds per year for my entire college experience. I had my summer weight loss protocol down pat. As soon as I would get home, it would all begin. I knew exactly how long it would take to reach my goal and I had to start immediately. I followed a version of the zone diet and my exercise would include cardio and strength training. I never focused on how I felt. I didn’t care if I was overtraining. I had a goal.
Looking back on this experience, I want to love myself even more. Why did I punish myself instead for so long? Instead of enjoying my late teens and early 20s, I became hypercritical of my body and developed unhealthy exercise habits. Exercise was to obtain an external result. Period.
I have some good news. I was able to remedy all of this.
My relationship with myself is strong, I have self confidence like never before, and I use exercise to feel good. I no longer view exercise as a way to change the look of my body; I use it as a way to move and feel alive. I want to enhance my health and mood, not burn calories and get more well defined shoulders.
I want to give you a little push to consider your relationship with exercise. It’s yet another way to take care of yourself.
How to Improve Our Relationships
Often, we spend so much energy being upset by the words and/or actions of other people. We are upset because we think that what they did or said is in direct response to us.
So what does this say about us?
Are we flawed? Did we do something wrong? Are we just not good enough?
Sometimes how we judge the quality of our day is dependent on external feedback. But - what If we could dig deep and rely on ourselves to decide how our day will go? If we decide to have a good day most days… days turn into weeks… weeks turn into years… and suddenly we had an amazing year.
The truth is…we can decide our reality.
I want to challenge you to always consider an alternative explanation. One that makes us feel empowered, for example.
I would like to highlight 5 key relationships paired with a common scenario that could occur. I will then offer two different explanations. As you read, I encourage you to relate to these situations and decide which explanation you would rather adopt.
Relationship #1… Your Boss.
Scenario: You are the director of resident wellness at your institution. You are in your annual performance review meeting with your boss. As usual, you receive rave reviews from the residents. Your boss then says, “There is something I would like to talk with you about.” She then proceeds to tell you that she is going to bring on another individual to split your role as director. Instead, you will now carry the title co-director.
What is your initial reaction? Which explanation do you choose?
Explanation #1. I am not doing a good job. My boss thinks that I cannot handle my position alone. I am weak. She thinks that I need help. Who complained about me? Am I the reason for resident physician burnout?
Or
Explanation #2. My boss sees my future at this institution. She knows that resident wellness requires a huge task force. She wants to make sure that I don’t burn out.
Explanation #1 could leave you feeling as though you have failed, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling encouraged. The beauty is that you get to decide how you want to feel.
Do you see the power in your thoughts? Initially, it will take some effort to generate a second explanation because our brain is programmed to respond in a certain way based on experience.
Relationship #2… Your Spouse.
Scenario: Your husband/wife comments on how beautiful your friend Sally dresses. He/she goes on to talk about every little detail of Sally’s pristine clothes. Where does she shop? Does she have a stylist? He/she then suggests that you should take a shopping trip.
Explanation #1. My spouse has a “thing” for Sally. He/she thinks that Sally’s clothes are much nicer than mine. He/she even suggested that I go shopping immediately. I am inadequate. I don’t dress nice. I have major problems in my relationship.
Or
Explanation #2. My spouse appreciates beautiful things. Sally did look exquisite this evening. My spouse compliments me on my clothes all of the time. He knows that I appreciate fashion and like to look my best. He wants me to go shopping so I can continue to feel good about myself by dressing stylishly.
Explanation #1 could leave you feeling inferior, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling thankful. It is important to recognize that by having self-confidence, explanation #2 will be much more believable.
Self-confidence comes from within, and it can be improved by continuing to choose empowering thoughts for ourselves.
Relationship #3… Your Child.
Scenario: You tell your 5-year old son/daughter that they are all done with electronics for today. If he/she behaves, then they can earn iPad time tomorrow. He/she gets violently upset and says, “UGGGGGHHHHH… I hate myself.”
Explanation #1. I have failed as a parent. How can my sweet, innocent 5-year old have such poor self-esteem? What have I done or not done as a parent? Maybe they know deep down that I don’t like myself and this shows in the way I parent. I have scarred my child for life.
Or
Explanation #2. My child is upset. He/she would play the iPad all day every day if allowed. Not to mention, the dopamine crash when stopping the electronics is real. My child’s reaction has nothing to do with me as a parent. He/she could be trying to get a reaction out of me. It is my responsibility to set boundaries and talk to my child about how he/she is feeling.
Explanation #1 could leave you feeling upset, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling understanding.
Relationship #4… A Friend.
Scenario: You and your friend, Hannah, text message every day. It has become something that you look forward to. Over the past couple of days, Hannah has responded to your text messages with one-word answers. You don’t feel that she is engaging in conversation.
Explanation #1. You think that you did something to upset Hannah. Whatever you did must have been pretty bad. You start to wonder why you cannot seem to keep relationships. Why do you always seem to disappoint people?
Or
Explanation #2. Hannah usually has many work deadlines. Typically, when we do not communicate as much, she is under a lot of stress at work. Hannah is a hard worker, and she knows that I am always here for her as a friend.
Explanation #1 could leave you feeling discouraged, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling more content.
Relationship #5… A Relative.
Scenario: You are at a family reunion and a great aunt comments on your hearty appetite. She says that she has never seen anyone enjoy food as much as you. She then goes on to talk about how she is not much of an eater.
Explanation #1. My aunt thinks that I am overweight. She thinks that I eat too much. She is judging me. Maybe she is right? Maybe I need to go on a diet?
Or
Explanation #2. My aunt is from a family where a hearty appetite is to be celebrated. She may be experiencing happy feelings inside because she is watching me enjoy my food. It is amazing how people differ in their appreciation for food and appetite.
Explanation #1 could leave you feeling annoyed, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling open.
We create our own reality.
When we recognize our thought patterns we can start to view situations differently. By considering an alternative explanation, we can easily eliminate the victim role that we often find ourselves in. Instead, we can feel empowered.
So, let me ask you. What is so difficult about considering another possibility? Perhaps you aren’t able to believe your alternative explanation at first. But with patience and practice, tremendous progress can be made.
Don’t just settle on the first explanation that your brain suggests.
When you are ready… I welcome you to discover the endless explanations that exist. Over time, this will allow you to create the exact life that you want.
All just food for thought… but I do think this perspective can help so much when navigating relationships.
Sending all my love!!
Ali
Ice Water in Your Veins?
I wanted to share this story with you….
Have you ever felt so cold? I mean bone-chilling cold. I don’t mean the same kind of cold that northern winters can leave you feeling. I am talking about working in a hospital that is climate-controlled and you are undoubtedly shivering.
I still remember my first day on the job as a neonatology fellow. I was anxiously walking to the operating room to attend the delivery of a 25-week infant. As my teeth chattered, I assured my chief fellow that I was ready to lead the resident and nurse practitioner team.
Fortunately, I had completed an excellent residency program that included extra NICU time. I had been trained by physicians who had me ready to hit the ground running at the start of fellowship. I channeled the “icy cold feeling” to fuel my focus and delegate responsibilities to my team. It was a perfectly executed resuscitation, and the infant was stabilized in the unit within the hour.
As the year went on, it never failed me. I could predict the exact sequence of how my body would respond with a *911 beeper page. I soon became excited when the shivering began because I knew that physiologically my body was ready to handle the situation. My adrenaline was speaking to me.
Call me a junkie, but I began to love my adrenaline surges.
I also loved to feel the adrenaline dissipate. This seemed to happen just seconds before the baby was born. When the baby was actually in my care, I felt calm and determined to provide the best outcome for my patient. This exact pattern has continued years later.
When I think back to my training days, my mind always takes me to the early 3am mornings in the NICU. Usually I was at the bedside of a sick baby. I was ALWAYS surrounded by a team that I felt so proud to be part of. I feel so incredibly grateful that I have been able to use my skills to help the smallest people.
I love caring for the parents of my tiny patients. I often wish they could hear my thoughts. If they could, I would hope to comfort them in my deep-seated passion to give the best care to their baby.
When I reflect on earlier years, I can also remember feeling cold at times during my college softball career. One particular time, I was a freshman and sitting on the bench. We were playing Villanova in a semi final game - the winner would compete against Notre Dame in the Big East Championship.
The bases were loaded, and I heard my name being called to pinch hit. I grabbed my helmet and bat, and I can remember that I hesitated to take my warm-up jacket off because I was freezing. But I took it off and stepped up to the plate. At the plate, I remember feeling warm. I watched the first pitch come right down the middle - STRIKE 1. The next pitch looked exactly the same, but this time I swung.
I can remember watching the ball soar over the centerfield fence. I hit a grand slam to place Seton Hall into the championship game. I rounded the bases at an extra slow pace to take it all in. I gazed down the first baseline to see the first doctor I ever met, my father, cheering proudly from his usual spot along the fence.
As a child, my father always told me, “Kid, You’ve got ice in your veins.” As an internist working out of our home in the country, Bernard Remakus, MD has devoted his career to house calls. He often accepts homemade pies as payment. He started it all for me. In times of crisis, I’ve seen him transform into a bone-chilling hero. I witnessed how the ice in his veins changed lives by doing heroic things with no equipment at times. He taught me to embrace the ice in my veins.
All too often, adrenaline surges carry negative connotations.
How many times have you heard a colleague reflect on a challenging situation in which they reacted by “freezing?” Adrenaline is adrenaline, but our reaction is up to us.
During my medical training, I don’t recall spending time processing my feelings. Unknowingly, I had suppressed so many emotions for years. But why? What if we admitted that our body physiologically responds the same way as other humans? After all, there is no failure in admitting that we are not superhuman.
Today I challenge you. Embrace your emotions - all of them. Pay attention to what your feelings create in your life. Spend time reflecting and discover your trends. We all favor certain emotions. It took me almost 20 years to realize, but apparently feeling cold serves me well.
Stay Warm or Cold… whatever serves you best!!
I’m Afraid They Can’t Tell
This past week, a lot of parenting conversations came up in my coaching groups… so I wanted to share some of my own reflections.
It was Friday night. Mark and I were sitting out back feeling the calm breeze running across our cheeks. It felt like we were at the ocean. It is times like these, that we often reflect on where we are, where we are going, and all the in between.
I shared that I was ready to make some improvements. First, I recognized that I needed to stop the love affair that I was having with my phone. Seriously. The phone needs to not be an active member of our family. It makes me sad to think that my kids have to compete with an electronic device.
As I came up with my plan on how to dramatically decrease my phone use, my thoughts traveled deeper. I acknowledged that time feels as though it is racing at the speed of light. How is my baby almost 7; wasn’t she just born?
I began to think about what is most important to me. Where do I want to devote my efforts? It is clear that my family is my top priority. Every decision involves how it will affect Mark and the girls. I made a huge career move a couple of years back to better our family life. I will continue to make adjustments in order to give them the best of me.
My brain automatically started to think about some past decisions. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten upset over the obligatory pasta sauce on white pants hug. Maybe I shouldn’t have raised my voice. Maybe I should have phrased my sentence differently. Should I have held them more? Did I start solids too soon? Do my girls know that I love them with everything I have? What if they don’t feel this?
I came out of my daze and said to Mark, “I’m afraid they can’t tell.” He laughed and asked me to elaborate. I explained how I want the girls to feel unconditional love. I want them to feel confident enough to take a big leap of faith, knowing that I have their back. I want them to feel that any burden they may bear, is mine, too. Every heartache they feel is mine, too. Every joy is mine. Can they feel this?
“I’m afraid they can’t tell” is a thought that I automatically generated. It left me feeling uneasy. So, I began to think about all of the evidence that supported the idea that my girls can tell. The fact that both girls are completely honest with me, suggests confidence and trust in our relationship. But, here is the reality. I cannot control how they feel.
Think about this. If we let go of the idea that we can control how others feel, then we will save ourselves a lot of stress and anxiety. Our focus can then be shifted toward working on ourselves. Showing up as our best self is all we can really do. How this is interpreted by others is really out of our control. Please note - this concept applies to children, too!
I am shifting my focus to being the best mom I can. I want to put the phone down. I want to be present and engaged and fun. I want to be spontaneous and create excitement and joy. I want to be the mom that is not afraid to cry in front of her kids because this will inevitably lead to questions. And… questions are good. We can support our kids through their emotions so that they can develop healthy coping mechanisms.
The day I became a mom, my world changed. Being a mom is what I value most. I am not perfect, but I want to be the best that I can be. I can’t control my girls’ feelings. But, I can teach them to embrace their feelings. I can teach them to show up as their best selves so that they can be positive rays of light, intermixed with the infinite number of feelings that they will never be able to control.
Cheers to 13 Amazing Years
Tomorrow, my husband Mark and I celebrate 13 years… and I wanted to share our early Love Story with you all.
The first week of medical school in August of 2002, we had a class outing at Dave and Buster’s in downtown Philadelphia. At this bar, I met him. Little did I know that I would get to keep him - FOREVER.
We spent time in a group setting for the first few months, and by Thanksgiving we were inseparable. Many people had speculations regarding our relationship, but the truth is that we were best friends. It all felt so easy and natural. I attributed this to Mark’s laid back nature.
Then something crazy happened. Mind blowing really. I had a realization that I was head over heels in love. The thought went something like this, “If he meets someone who becomes his girlfriend, I will be absolutely devastated.” I made the choice to confess my love to him.
Just after our first year of medical school was completed, I decided that I would tell him how I felt. This seemed outrageously bold to even consider. I was the girl who was friends with all of the boys. Truth be told, I never had an actual boyfriend in the romantic sense.
I remember our exact conversation. My stomach still has butterflies when I relive the moment. I said, “I am in love with you. But, if you don’t love me back, then I will need space from you. I can’t JUST be your friend anymore.”
Those clear blue twinkling eyes looked right in mine. They looked confused with a bit of regret. He said, “I want to JUST be your friend. Nothing more.”
I held it together long enough to get into my car and drive away. I had set a boundary. I realize now that this was an act of self-preservation.
I drove 3 hours to my childhood home. I cried… a lot. I planned to spend the rest of the summer away from him. I would use this time to heal from the rejection that I felt. I wish I knew then that I was 100% responsible for feeling rejected.
I’m smiling as I write this because what I would have wanted to feel in this situation was proud. But, if I wanted to feel proud, then I would have had to think, “Damn girl. Good for you! You took a chance on love. You were vulnerable. You set a good boundary for yourself.”
Now, are you ready for the best news ever? My vulnerability inspired Mark to take a chance. Two weeks later he called to tell me that he was getting in the car to visit me - immediately. I warned him not to, but he did anyway.
The anticipation of this visit was interesting. All of the thoughts left me with a deep-seated confusion. I set the boundary, why was he breaking it? Why did I let him? I watched for the grey Honda Civic all afternoon.
The car pulled in the driveway. I can’t remember feeling anything. But, I remember hearing everything. He said, “Ali, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I seriously laughed out loud. How can this be?
We often talk about the beginning of us. I had assumed that he did not want to be my boyfriend because I wasn’t enough. Period. Isn’t it interesting when you ask for the actual answers to your questions? We are often way off.
So why didn’t he want to be my boyfriend? In Mark’s words, he didn’t want to be my boyfriend or even JUST my friend, he wanted to be my husband. When he decided to date me, he really decided to marry me.
Isn’t it ironic that it rained on our wedding day? Would Alanis Morissette be surprised that I couldn’t have cared less? My dad was my wedding planner, and he threw an amazing party. I didn’t care about the details… except one. I was marrying the man of my dreams.
Tomorrow we celebrate our 13yr. anniversary. How did the time go so fast?
Thank you for letting me share. I love telling this story and reading it back. Sometimes we need to recreate the magic… this seems like a perfect day to do that.
Does Everyone Need Something From You?
Believing that everyone needs something from us is a very common thought. This is probably one of the top complaints that I hear from female physicians. In our profession, we seem to always be giving to everyone. We take care of our patients, our staff, our families, and our friends. It’s only natural that we feel stretched thin.
I don’t know about you, but when I think that everybody wants or needs something from me, it makes me feel burnt out and unworthy. Because if I believe that everybody is around me just because I can do something for them, I start to think, “I’m not enough. I need to do something for someone to prove my worth.”
So when we’re feeling unworthy, what comes up? Typically, it takes us down a negative spiral. We start thinking about all of the inadequacies we have in our life. We think, “Do my relationships even mean anything at all?” The result is that we continue to believe we always have to be serving and giving.
So how do we recognize that this is happening? How do we reflect on it and move forward? How do we start setting and owning boundaries?
Why It’s So Hard to Set Boundaries
First of all, many of us don’t even know what a boundary actually is. Boundaries are a verbalized contract between two people. And if they’re a contract, they serve as protection. Setting a boundary protects a relationship - whether that be a friendship, marriage, parenthood, pet ownership, work relationships, or other family relationships.
So why don’t we set more boundaries if they’re going to protect us? We don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. We don’t want to make people feel bad by telling them no. But the truth is that if we don’t communicate our boundaries to other people, in the long run, it’ll just damage the relationship by leading to resentment and disappointment.
Each party in a relationship sets an expectation for the other party. Without boundaries, these expectations go unspoken and unmet. Without communication, everybody grows apart, rather than together.
How to Stop Thinking of Setting a Boundary as a Difficult Conversation
Think about somebody in your life who sets healthy boundaries. Do you resent them for communicating and standing up for what they want? Probably not. Chances are, you probably respect them. Maybe you even admire them.
When you can stand up for yourself and what you believe in, and you have the guts to verbalize it, you’ll also be somebody who is excellent at setting boundaries. We have to be proud of setting boundaries. It’s about internalizing what you want and what makes you feel comfortable within each hat that you wear.
The boundaries you set in each relationship will all be different. It’s with reflection ahead of time that you’ll decide how to show up and have the confidence to verbalize your boundaries. And ultimately, the thought of, “Everybody needs something from me,” won’t be so predominant anymore. Because when you set a boundary, you say, “This is exactly what you can expect from me.” It’s no longer about what others try to take from you; it’s about what you can give. Then there’s no ground for disappointment anymore.
Sending you love as you start to think about and set boundaries… it will be worth it.
The Top 5 Eating Habits That Destroy Body Confidence
& Why There Are No Good or Bad Foods, Only Bad Habits
By Ali Novitsky, M.D.
Life Coach for Women Physicians
Triple Board Certified in Neonatology, Pediatrics, and Obesity Medicine
Are you worried about what not to eat when you’re trying to lose weight? Are you still labeling foods as “good” or “bad” choices?
What if I told you that you can still eat all the foods you love and become fitter even if you don’t technically lose weight?
That’s right, you don’t have to eliminate foods you love for the sake of losing weight or feeling good in your body, you just have to become more mindful of how your body feels before and after eating and adjust accordingly.
If you’re used to trying diet after diet with no lasting results, focusing on mindful eating for weight loss sounds too simple, right?
The thing is it is simple, but it also works!
In this blog, I show you how small changes make a BIG difference in how confident you feel in your body.
Below are the top 5 daily eating habits that are silently sabotaging how you feel in your body:
1. Following Diet Plans That Aren’t Tailored to Your Body Type
Nothing is more frustrating than spending hundreds of dollars on a diet plan only for the weight to come right back and those expensive supplements to go to waste. But, when we take a prescribed plan that wasn’t meant for our specific body type and try to force it to work for us, it is sure to fail. That’s because everybody has different needs and a generic plan won’t work for everyone.
This is why, as a life and wellness coach for women physicians, I focus on developing individual body confidence, rather than trying to force our bodies to fit into the same molds. We all have different genetic make-ups and learning to work with your body instead of against it to set realistic body goals, will reduce frustration and stress.
The main problem is we don't trust what our bodies are telling us, or we aren’t listening. And when we don't we are cut off from the innate knowledge our body has to share with us about what it needs. A generic “get skinny quick” fad diet will never fit everyone’s unique, individual needs.
When we learn to eat for our body’s natural balance we start to see the results we want, rather than trying to fit into a one-size-fits-all diet plan that was never really achievable anyway.
2. Eating Too Much or Not Enough Caused By Lack of Awareness
Where are you on the restrictive eating spectrum?
There are two ways we self-sabotage our diet — one is by eating too much and the other is by not eating enough. Both of these destructive eating habits work against you because restricting what you eat is no healthier than overeating.
What’s usually the main culprit? Our emotions.
We tend to overeat when we are sad, indulging with friends on weekends, or procrastinating something that makes us anxious. We also tend to restrict our eating when we feel shame, embarrassment, or boredom. But we shouldn’t ignore our emotions either, they are there to teach us something.
So, if we can work on regulating our emotions we won’t have to worry so much about regulating our food.
3. Not Being Mindful About When and Why We Eat
Are you eating when you’re hungry or are you eating because of an emotional response to something?
Many of the women I train in my life coaching programs come in completely unaware of the reasons why and when they choose to eat each day. As busy physicians, it’s understandable why this happens when we are so busy running around, making rounds, and cramming meals or snacks whenever we can into our day.
When eating on the go, or not even sitting down to eat, becomes the norm, you become disconnected from your body. And when we are not connected to our bodies it puts us at risk for over and under-eating.
4. Not Paying Attention To What Your Body Is Telling You
Knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no” to eating can be one of our biggest challenges.
This article from Harvard Health, “What is Mindful Eating?,” also makes a great point, that often we are too distracted with the TV, electronics, or work to even notice how much or what we’re eating.
How can you pay attention to your body’s natural sensors when you aren’t paying tuned out?
For example, if you are on your phone or computer while eating a meal, you may be too detached from your body to even know you are full. This leads to overeating more than you need to be satisfied. Instead, you can learn to say “no” to another bite when you realize you’re full.
Mindful eating has many benefits, including not eating more than your body needs because you’ll notice sooner when you feel satisfied. This naturally helps with weight loss, as you tend to eat less when you are paying attention to your body’s cues for “I’m full” and “That’s enough” when you are more consciously watchful.
5. Restricting Foods You Love & Not Eating Mindfully
In my physician coaching programs for women, I don’t believe in cutting out foods you love, or restricting ingredients, because we don’t need to.
When you restrict food you love you feel deprived, which most often leads to overeating something later on. When you feel you missed out on something, you almost always find a way to make it up to yourself with a much higher calorie substitute later on.
But, if you follow the principles I based my group physician life coaching program, G.O.A.L.S. Society on, you can’t go wrong!
Here is what the first three letters stand for in G.O.A.L.S:
G = Get Hungry First
O = Observe for Fullness
A = Allow Feelings
See it’s really pretty simple — wait until you’re hungry then stop when you’re full. Feel the feelings that arise, but try not to eat to cope with them. If we are too busy or not tuning into our bodies, these signals are so easy to miss.
Once we start following our body’s natural cues, we start seeing results more easily.
These mindful eating techniques will help you lose weight and feel better in your body easily over time. Plus, they are also easy to implement. We JUST NEED TO DO THEM!
For example, the next time you head to the fridge, just ask yourself this simple question — “Am I actually hungry right now?” If not you may need to ask yourself if you are engaging in emotional eating, ie. eating out of boredom, stress, or avoidance of tasks. If the answer is you truly feel hungry — go for it! Just make sure to stop when you’re full.
Join your fellow women physicians for the ultimate whole-person wellness program and feel better in your body immediately!
Do You Ask For Help?
One of the things that has come up recently in my coaching groups is the concept that “Asking for Help is Hard.”
So, I thought today I would give you a real life example of how I sometimes avoid asking for help and what the result is. Read on.
Even though my husband Mark wants to help me, time and time again, I avoid asking him. Why? In my mind, I’m protecting him by not asking him to do something. Also, I’m not willing to give up the control of knowing that if I do it, it’s going to get done.
But by doing this, I’m not helping Mark. I’m setting myself up to resent Mark. In my mind, I’ve protected him, but I’m actually developing some irritation or resentment, because I’m thinking, “Why can’t he be doing this?”
I’m also enabling him. Because I can’t ask Mark for help, he’s more likely to rely on me. In return, I start to resent him for not knowing how to do it himself. And all of this has nothing to do with him.
So maybe by “protecting” other people, we’re really doing them a disservice. In fact, asking for help can really help the other person.
If you find it hard to ask for help, think about why. Does it lead to thoughts like, “I should be able to do this,” and “This shouldn’t be a big deal”? Often we think we’ll be weak if we can’t do it all. That it makes us not enough.
But what if you just started by asking for help with something small? Even just something like pairing the socks. You might be surprised with how well it goes. After you do that, you’ll gain comfort by asking for help. It’ll make you feel empowered, not weak.
It’ll create a sense of partnership, equality, and positivity in your relationships. Because part of relationship-building is give and take. And it helps your loved ones feel more comfortable asking for help when they need it. By asking for help, you set an example and inspire others to do the same.
Nobody’s a mind reader. In order for somebody to help you how you want to be helped, you have to be ready to have conversations.
For example, I recently started working with a new coach. It became immediately evident that we have very different styles. It made me uncomfortable. So I had to do something brave: I had to have a conversation. I had to ask what his vision was and be honest that I didn’t believe we see eye to eye.
It was a straightforward conversation with a lot of silence and pauses. But it grew our ability to work together more. When we met each other halfway, the magic started flowing. We both had to be patient with each other, do the mature thing, and come together.
My thought of, “Nobody can do it right. I have to do it myself,” came up in the situation. I could have stayed there. But I realized it wouldn’t be helpful to me or the people I serve to do so. I wanted to grow. And to grow, you have to let go. For me, letting go is getting rid of the desire for control. It’s communicating to work toward a mutual goal.
The conversation is hard. We don’t want to hurt people. We don’t want to create discomfort. But if we’re willing to be open in conversation, we can achieve so much.
If you need more help in your life, what’s holding you back? If you can get past this obstacle and ask for help, what could your life look like? What if you were willing to watch somebody else do the task instead of you? What if you gave them that trust? What if it worked out?
Ponder. Let us know your thoughts!!