Does Everyone Need Something From You?

Believing that everyone needs something from us is a very common thought. This is probably one of the top complaints that I hear from female physicians. In our profession, we seem to always be giving to everyone. We take care of our patients, our staff, our families, and our friends. It’s only natural that we feel stretched thin.

I don’t know about you, but when I think that everybody wants or needs something from me, it makes me feel burnt out and unworthy. Because if I believe that everybody is around me just because I can do something for them, I start to think, “I’m not enough. I need to do something for someone to prove my worth.”

So when we’re feeling unworthy, what comes up? Typically, it takes us down a negative spiral. We start thinking about all of the inadequacies we have in our life. We think, “Do my relationships even mean anything at all?” The result is that we continue to believe we always have to be serving and giving.

So how do we recognize that this is happening? How do we reflect on it and move forward? How do we start setting and owning boundaries?

Why It’s So Hard to Set Boundaries

First of all, many of us don’t even know what a boundary actually is. Boundaries are a verbalized contract between two people. And if they’re a contract, they serve as protection. Setting a boundary protects a relationship - whether that be a friendship, marriage, parenthood, pet ownership, work relationships, or other family relationships. 

So why don’t we set more boundaries if they’re going to protect us? We don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. We don’t want to make people feel bad by telling them no. But the truth is that if we don’t communicate our boundaries to other people, in the long run, it’ll just damage the relationship by leading to resentment and disappointment.

Each party in a relationship sets an expectation for the other party. Without boundaries, these expectations go unspoken and unmet. Without communication, everybody grows apart, rather than together. 

How to Stop Thinking of Setting a Boundary as a Difficult Conversation

Think about somebody in your life who sets healthy boundaries. Do you resent them for communicating and standing up for what they want? Probably not. Chances are, you probably respect them. Maybe you even admire them.

When you can stand up for yourself and what you believe in, and you have the guts to verbalize it, you’ll also be somebody who is excellent at setting boundaries. We have to be proud of setting boundaries. It’s about internalizing what you want and what makes you feel comfortable within each hat that you wear. 

The boundaries you set in each relationship will all be different. It’s with reflection ahead of time that you’ll decide how to show up and have the confidence to verbalize your boundaries. And ultimately, the thought of, “Everybody needs something from me,” won’t be so predominant anymore. Because when you set a boundary, you say, “This is exactly what you can expect from me.” It’s no longer about what others try to take from you; it’s about what you can give. Then there’s no ground for disappointment anymore.

Sending you love as you start to think about and set boundaries… it will be worth it.