How to Improve Our Relationships

Often, we spend so much energy being upset by the words and/or actions of other people. We are upset because we think that what they did or said is in direct response to us.

So what does this say about us?

Are we flawed? Did we do something wrong? Are we just not good enough?

Sometimes how we judge the quality of our day is dependent on external feedback. But - what If we could dig deep and rely on ourselves to decide how our day will go? If we decide to have a good day most days… days turn into weeks… weeks turn into years… and suddenly we had an amazing year.

The truth is…we can decide our reality.

I want to challenge you to always consider an alternative explanation. One that makes us feel empowered, for example.

I would like to highlight 5 key relationships paired with a common scenario that could occur. I will then offer two different explanations. As you read, I encourage you to relate to these situations and decide which explanation you would rather adopt.

Relationship #1… Your Boss. 

Scenario: You are the director of resident wellness at your institution. You are in your annual performance review meeting with your boss. As usual, you receive rave reviews from the residents. Your boss then says, “There is something I would like to talk with you about.” She then proceeds to tell you that she is going to bring on another individual to split your role as director. Instead, you will now carry the title co-director. 

What is your initial reaction? Which explanation do you choose?

Explanation #1. I am not doing a good job. My boss thinks that I cannot handle my position alone. I am weak. She thinks that I need help. Who complained about me? Am I the reason for resident physician burnout?

Or

Explanation #2. My boss sees my future at this institution. She knows that resident wellness requires a huge task force. She wants to make sure that I don’t burn out. 

Explanation #1 could leave you feeling as though you have failed, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling encouraged. The beauty is that you get to decide how you want to feel. 

Do you see the power in your thoughts? Initially, it will take some effort to generate a second explanation because our brain is programmed to respond in a certain way based on experience.

Relationship #2… Your Spouse. 

Scenario: Your husband/wife comments on how beautiful your friend Sally dresses. He/she goes on to talk about every little detail of Sally’s pristine clothes. Where does she shop? Does she have a stylist? He/she then suggests that you should take a shopping trip. 

Explanation #1. My spouse has a “thing” for Sally. He/she thinks that Sally’s clothes are much nicer than mine. He/she even suggested that I go shopping immediately. I am inadequate. I don’t dress nice. I have major problems in my relationship. 

Or 

Explanation #2. My spouse appreciates beautiful things. Sally did look exquisite this evening. My spouse compliments me on my clothes all of the time. He knows that I appreciate fashion and like to look my best. He wants me to go shopping so I can continue to feel good about myself by dressing stylishly. 

Explanation #1 could leave you feeling inferior, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling thankful. It is important to recognize that by having self-confidence, explanation #2 will be much more believable. 

Self-confidence comes from within, and it can be improved by continuing to choose empowering thoughts for ourselves.  

Relationship #3… Your Child. 

Scenario: You tell your 5-year old son/daughter that they are all done with electronics for today. If he/she behaves, then they can earn iPad time tomorrow. He/she gets violently upset and says, “UGGGGGHHHHH… I hate myself.”  

Explanation #1. I have failed as a parent. How can my sweet, innocent 5-year old have such poor self-esteem? What have I done or not done as a parent? Maybe they know deep down that I don’t like myself and this shows in the way I parent. I have scarred my child for life. 

Or

Explanation #2. My child is upset. He/she would play the iPad all day every day if allowed. Not to mention, the dopamine crash when stopping the electronics is real. My child’s reaction has nothing to do with me as a parent. He/she could be trying to get a reaction out of me. It is my responsibility to set boundaries and talk to my child about how he/she is feeling.

Explanation #1 could leave you feeling upset, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling understanding.

Relationship #4… A Friend. 

Scenario: You and your friend, Hannah, text message every day. It has become something that you look forward to. Over the past couple of days, Hannah has responded to your text messages with one-word answers. You don’t feel that she is engaging in conversation.

Explanation #1. You think that you did something to upset Hannah. Whatever you did must have been pretty bad. You start to wonder why you cannot seem to keep relationships. Why do you always seem to disappoint people? 

Or

Explanation #2. Hannah usually has many work deadlines. Typically, when we do not communicate as much, she is under a lot of stress at work. Hannah is a hard worker, and she knows that I am always here for her as a friend.

Explanation #1 could leave you feeling discouraged, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling more content.

 Relationship #5… A Relative. 

Scenario: You are at a family reunion and a great aunt comments on your hearty appetite. She says that she has never seen anyone enjoy food as much as you. She then goes on to talk about how she is not much of an eater. 

Explanation #1. My aunt thinks that I am overweight. She thinks that I eat too much. She is judging me. Maybe she is right? Maybe I need to go on a diet?

Or

Explanation #2. My aunt is from a family where a hearty appetite is to be celebrated. She may be experiencing happy feelings inside because she is watching me enjoy my food. It is amazing how people differ in their appreciation for food and appetite. 

Explanation #1 could leave you feeling annoyed, while explanation #2 could leave you feeling open.

We create our own reality.

When we recognize our thought patterns we can start to view situations differently. By considering an alternative explanation, we can easily eliminate the victim role that we often find ourselves in. Instead, we can feel empowered. 

So, let me ask you. What is so difficult about considering another possibility? Perhaps you aren’t able to believe your alternative explanation at first. But with patience and practice, tremendous progress can be made. 

Don’t just settle on the first explanation that your brain suggests.  

When you are ready… I welcome you to discover the endless explanations that exist. Over time, this will allow you to create the exact life that you want.

All just food for thought… but I do think this perspective can help so much when navigating relationships.

Sending all my love!!
Ali