You Think You Said It - But Did You?
Each week, I try to bring you a reflection that I have had to help prompt some thoughts of your own. This week, I have been thinking a lot about how I communicate. Further, thinking more about how I can take more responsibility for how I communicate.
This comes up all the time whenever we discuss a conflict in a relationship. Here is a great example. Sam and Kelly are friends. Sam thinks that Kelly is their best friend, but Kelly doesn’t think the same way. Sam shows up in a way that reflects their thoughts of being in a best friendship with Kelly. Kelly reacts in a negative way because they don’t think or even feel the same way as Sam. Here is a conflict. And, not only is there a conflict, but the resolution of the conflict is probably a difficult conversation.
As we know - we often avoid difficult conversations. So, what happens?
Kelly will most likely withdraw and Sam will be confused. Sam will then have new thoughts about Kelly which will put an even more negative spin on the relationship… and here is often where the 2 may part ways.
But, it does not have to be this way. If we commit to clear communication, we can avoid misunderstandings which will allow us to preserve relationships that really matter to us. It isn’t that Kelly doesn’t care about Sam, but their needs are just a bit different. It is Kelly’s responsibility to communicate those needs.
If you think back to any negative outcomes with relationships, there is often just a TINY little blip in communication. But, what if both parties took responsibility right away? When we take ownership, we show up differently. We are acting from a different feeling instead of reacting to something uncomfortable.
Here are some of my tips to be an effective communicator so we can get better results in our relationships:
1) Find the right time to talk. Having difficult conversations first of all do not need to be difficult. They will for sure have a great impact in a positive way. But, set yourself up for success. We always want to be careful in our timing and make a plan to have the talk ahead of time.
2) Decide what your goal of the talk is. After the talk is over, what would you love to have gained? More clarity for yourself? More peace? A new strategy going forward?
3) Make a list of 3 things that are very important to you to communicate. You don’t want to have too many things to discuss. You want to keep it simple and concise and focus on the things that will bring you closer to your resolution.
4) Take ownership. Relationships are a 2-way street, but if you take ownership for at least half… you are setting yourself up for success. Be curious about what the other person has to say. When we take 50% ownership and no more, we are setting a boundary of protection that will prevent us from becoming reactive.
5) Take responsibility without apologizing. You do not have to say “I am sorry” in order to rectify the situation. You do not have to be sorry for your thoughts and feelings. Remember, you are likely having the conversation because you care about this person and your relationship.
You are smart, powerful, amazing, lovable, and perfect as-is. And, I think you may find how amazing it feels to deepen your conversations, even if it may feel uncomfortable at first.
Wishing you an amazing week.
Xoxo
Ali
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About Ali Novitsky, MD
Dr. Novitsky is certified by the Life Coach School, Obesity Board Certified, a physician speaker, and fitness enthusiast. Ali helps women physicians achieve their optimal health with scientific, yet intuitive, principles that work.