“Everyone needs something from me”

This is such a common thing that happens to women physicians. In our profession, we’re always giving to everyone. We take care of our patients, our staff, our families, and our friends. It’s only natural that you feel stretched thin.

I don’t know about you, but when I think that everybody wants or needs something from me, it makes me feel burnt out and unworthy. Because if I believe that everybody is around me just because I can do something for them, I start to think, “I’m not enough. I need to do something for someone to prove my worth.”

So when we’re feeling unworthy, what comes up? Typically, it takes us down a negative spiral. We start thinking about all of the inadequacies we have in our life. We think, “Do my relationships even mean anything at all?” The result is that we continue to believe that we always have to be serving and giving.

So how do we recognize that this is happening? How do we reflect on it and move forward? How do we start setting and owning boundaries?

Why It’s So Hard to Set Boundaries

First of all, many of us don’t even know what a boundary actually is. Boundaries are a verbalized contract between two people. And if they’re a contract, they serve as protection. Setting a boundary protects a relationship, whether that be a friendship, marriage, parenthood, pet ownership, work relationships, or other family relationships. 

So why don’t we set more boundaries if they’re going to protect us? We don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. We don’t want to make people feel bad by telling them no. But the truth is that if we don’t communicate our boundaries to other people, in the long run, it’ll just damage the relationship by leading to resentment and disappointment.

Each party in a relationship sets an expectation for the other party. Without boundaries, these expectations go unspoken and unmet. Without communication, everybody grows apart, rather than together. 

How to Stop Thinking of Setting a Boundary as a Difficult Conversation

Think about somebody in your life who sets healthy boundaries. Do you resent them for communicating and standing up for what they want? Probably not. Chances are, you probably respect them. Maybe you even admire them.

When you can stand up for yourself and what you believe in and you have the guts to verbalize it, you’ll also be somebody who is excellent at setting boundaries. We have to be proud of setting boundaries. It’s about internalizing what you want and what makes you feel comfortable within each hat that you wear. 

Because the boundaries you set in each relationship will all be different. It’s with reflection ahead of time that you’ll decide how to show up and have the confidence to verbalize your boundaries. And ultimately the thought of “everybody needs something from me” won’t be so predominant anymore. Because when you set a boundary, you say, “This is exactly what you can expect from me.” It’s no longer about what others try to take from you, it’s about what you can give. Then there’s no ground for disappointment anymore. 

Setting Boundaries With Yourself

Now that you know what a boundary is and why it’s so important, you can start in a place where it’s not so uncomfortable to set boundaries: with yourself. Maybe you’re somebody who spends more time than you want on social media. You can set yourself the boundary of only spending one hour on social media a day. Verbalize your boundary. Write it down. Tell your friends. Do what you need to do to have accountability. 

It has to be realistic. If you don’t follow through on boundaries you set, you’ll lose confidence. Because when you set a boundary, you do so to improve your life. And if you don’t stick to it, you’re telling yourself that you don’t deserve the boundary and the improvement. 

So we have to be deliberate and specific about the boundaries we set, especially with ourselves. That’s the hard part. Then we can move on and get comfortable setting those boundaries with other people. 

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Do you have a stressful relationship in your life? One in which you give more than you receive? That the other person always seems to need something? What qualities do you associate with this person? Typically, it’ll be not-so-favorable, which will strain the relationship. But if we can call out these qualities, it will take the power away from them. 

Let’s say you have a great aunt. You don’t live that far from her, so she always ask you to do things. She wants rides, and a place to stay, and a cat-sitter. So every time you see a phone call from her, you feel like you have to do something you don’t want to do. But you keep doing it, because she’s getting older, she doesn’t have anybody to talk to, and you want her to feel bad.

So you have to make a decision. Is it worth it to set a boundary? How much is this stressing you out? Maybe you can change your thoughts around the circumstance to, “I’m so blessed to have my great aunt in my life and I’m happy to help her as much as she wants.” 

But if you can’t, you have to set a boundary. That’ll protect the relationship, tell her what to expect from you, and what you’re willing to give. That puts you back in control.

You have to come up with a plan. Decide specifically what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do. So next time she calls and wants to stay at your house for the next two weeks and you think it’s super inconvenient and you don’t want to do it, you can say, “No, that is a little much for my family right now. We’re not able to accommodate you.” 

Because your aunt is used to hearing yes from you, she may fight it. That’s why it’s so important to own how you’re showing up. Give your boundary and stick to it. You can’t go back on it. Even if she calls you tomorrow and asks again and again. If you go back on the boundary, you’ll backpedal instead of making strides in the relationship. You’ll have to work even harder next time. So it’s your responsibility to have your own back.

Looking Forward

If you become excellent at setting boundaries, you may just keep getting tested all the time. But that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. It’s just more practice for you to show up for you. And if you do that, you’ll generate feelings of worthiness. The more you do it, the more that thought of, “everyone needs something from me” will transition to “I make it obvious what I’m able to give to people.” 

Instead of feeling unworthy and overwhelmed, you’ll feel empowered and in control. What will your action be? You’ll keep setting boundaries. People - employees, patients, partners, and family - will know what to expect and you’ll keep living the life you want to.

You’ll be tested. You won’t be perfect. But your willingness to keep learning, trying, and improving will keep you growing and evolving.