“I Don’t Know How To Feel Better”

Typically, the whole reason why we engage in different activities is that we either have to or we want to do them for pleasure, to feel good. Think about how many things in your life you do just to feel better. 

But what if we had such a handle on our emotions that we could comfortably feel any emotion, even uncomfortable ones, and quickly shift into feeling however we want, whenever we want? Can you imagine your life if you could feel however you wanted to feel whenever you wanted?

But it takes work to get there.

Common Negative Emotions

Overwhelmed

In my coaching groups, a lot of people’s thoughts make them feel overwhelmed.

Overwhelm is when there seems to be a powerful force over us. This typically comes up when we think we have a million things to do. We think the thoughts, “I have nobody to help me. I don’t even know how to get started.” 

Close your eyes. Picture a time in your life when you were completely overwhelmed. For me, it was when I had my first daughter. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Breastfeeding wasn’t going well. I had post-partum depression. I couldn’t even keep up with washing the bottles. I had no idea how anybody actually enjoyed this. I had this tremendous sense of overwhelmed.

When I channel this feeling, I feel it at first in my chest, but it’s so powerful that it radiates into my stomach and shoulders. It’s a very powerful emotion for me. It’s a flashing, bright red. It’s actually very slow, but within that slowness, there is a burning sandpaper back-and-forth, quick movement. It makes me feel trapped. That’s how the negative spiral continues, by making you feel like you have no choice or power.

Typically, when we feel overwhelmed, we actually don’t do anything. We avoid anything at all that we potentially could do because we really believe there is no help or time. The result is that we keep believing that this is our life and we have no choice.  

How We Start Feeling Better

So what do we do now?

The first step is recognizing and calling it out. Just by saying out loud, “I’m overwhelmed,” you automatically take the intensity and the power out of that feeling by half. 

After you recognize, you have a decision to make. You can decide to stay in that place of overwhelmed, or you can choose to create a different thought that will create a different feeling.

When you practice this work long enough and at an intense level, you can say to yourself, “I’m overwhelmed and I want to feel content.” You figure out the opposite of what you’re feeling and channel that pretty immediately. You can just flip into the new feeling. 

But for now, to feel content, you have to think a new thought; you have to reframe. That means you have to come up with a thought, a belief, that makes you feel content. 

So what does content feel like in your body? For me, content is below my chest, in my stomach. It’s powerful, nearly as intense as overwhelmed. It’s an ocean blue and it’s slow, but with a repetitive, slow wave back and forth. 

I think, “Everything is as it should be. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Nothing has gone wrong. Everything is perfect. There is nothing I need.” 

Now that I deeply understand the difference between these opposing feelings, I have a choice to make. Which one do I want to feel?

Confusion

Confusion is by far one of the most common negative feelings. It’s a very indulgent emotion. It’s a cycle. We get confused about something, and get a little frustration, which amplifies the confusion. Then we just give up. The longer you stay in confusion, the more it’ll spiral. 

My school district is doing an amazing job at virtual schooling. But there are a lot of components and I found myself getting confused, thinking, “There are so many components. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know where to start.” I feel the confusion in my head, in my temporal region. It’s gray. It’s a medium speed, and it seems like it’s going to go on forever. It’s like rubber. 

When I feel confused, I want to vent. I want to create drama. My result is that I believe that things are too complicated and there’s something wrong with the system. I go from confusion to blaming. My ego thinks, “This confusion isn’t myfault. Something’s wrong with the system.”

And when we blame, we believe we have zero ability to change anything, and we’ll just have to stay confused, and we indulge in that confusion. As a result, we feel powerless and don’t make any changes. 

How We Start Feeling Better

Step one: we recognize we’re confused. We say, “I’m confused.” 

Step two: we make the decision. Do we want to stay here or do we want to change it? Staying confused isn’t such a big deal because when you recognize it, you can start gathering data. You can ask yourself, “Why? Why am I confused?” It’ll troubleshoot and get you the answer. 

Step three: reframe. If you don’t want to stay confused, where do you want to go instead? Certainty. Unlike confusion, certainty you can feel all day long. It triggers confidence. Instead of feeling powerless, you can feel certain and confident. 

For me, certainty is in my chest. It’s navy blue. It’s slow and smooth in texture. I could sit in certainty all day long.

When I feel certain, I think, “I know how to do this. I’ve done harder. I can figure this out. I’m capable. Nothing can stump me. I’ve got this.”

My actions as a result of certainty are not indulgent. I take action. The result is that I truly believe I can do absolutely anything. 

Anger

Believe it or not, anger feels pretty good in some people’s bodies. It releases dopamine.

The last time I was angry, it was when I got a letter in the mail from the IRS. It turned out my husband made a filing mistake and we owed $12,000. I was so angry, thinking, “I do so much. This is the only thing I asked my husband to do and this is what happened.” I felt anger in my head, my neck, my chest, and upper stomach: everywhere. I was fired up. It was red, fast, and flowing smoothly. 

My actions? I yelled quite a bit that day. And as a result, I believed that my husband should have met my expectation. 

So how did I make myself feel better? I called it out. “That’s anger.” I made the decision that I wanted to move on. I decided I wanted to reframe my anger as compassion.

Compassion is always the first step in healing. For me, it’s right in my heart, radiating out. It’s bright pink. It’s a perfect speed, not too slow or too fast. It feels like a fluffy blanket. When I feel compassionate, I think, “If we are all human, nothing has gone wrong. This is life. This is okay.” 

I can rewrite the story. I can think, “Mark didn’t want this to happen. He did everything he could to prevent it from happening but he did, and that’s life, and it’s okay.” 

As a result of compassion, I don’t yell. I’m soft-spoken and accepting. I start appreciating my relationship and myself. As a result, I believe that we’re all just doing our best all of the time. We never set out to hurt people, but as humans full of emotion, these things happen.

You can do this whether you’re just starting out or you’ve been at this for a while. Spending some time on our emotions will transform and change your life.