I Learned About Boundaries... at The Dry Cleaners

I had a big AHA moment today.

For the past 10 years, I have been going to the same dry cleaner. The owner is an absolutely lovely woman in her later 60s who is also a master seamstress. Through the years, I have had her adjust many items. 

Picture this. I would arrive at the shop and show her my item. She would shake her head and say, “Wow- difficult material.” I would then change into the item, she would make the hem, I would put on original clothes, and hand her the item. Then I would wait for her to tell me when it would be ready.

On a few occasions, if I asked for an expedited date, she would give a loud sigh and say, “That will be very difficult… I don’t sew on Tuesday through Sunday.” If she agreed to do it, you could feel her frustration.

I always expected this scenario. Everything went fine if I was agreeable to the date. If I suggested something else that was sooner, then we would have the same interaction.

Seems like a silly story huh? And why am I telling you. Well - here is where I put the details together and had a huge AHA moment. 

My dry cleaner got frustrated because I was asking her to do something outside of her boundary. She didn’t sew most days of the week. And just like in all situations, when our boundary is crossed, we get frustrated and angry.

Frustration and anger are very helpful emotions because they alert us that our boundary is being crossed. 

Now, here is the next piece. The dry cleaner told me her boundary. She revealed that she only sews on certain days. But - I would still ask her to complete the job knowing that she doesn’t sew on certain days. You see how this cycle of frustration could continue for her if she believed that I should know better? 

So what happened?

Over time, I learned that if I wanted a pleasant interaction, then I should bring my item well in advance. When I would bring my item in a timely fashion, I got praise. Not timely - no praise. I was being conditioned without even realizing it. Because at the end of the day, my dry cleaner could just have said no. But, I am human, so I went down the conditioning pathway. 

At the same time, I respected the boundaries.

My dry cleaner set boundaries in her own business so that she did not have to sew on Tuesday through Sunday. Because she didn’t say no to me on several occasions… I tested the boundary without even realizing.

When I picked up on her dissatisfaction and took the hint, I believed that the most respectful thing was to stop testing the boundary if I wanted an enjoyable interaction.

Boundaries are when we make our expectations verbally known… and we offer a consequence if the boundary is not respected. In this case, the Tuesday through Sunday rule was revealed by my dry cleaner and the consequence was that we would not have a pleasant interaction if I tried to test it. Now, things get cloudy when it is “business” related… but in this case, it did impact the relationship, so I thought it was great to use as an example.

In a perfect world, to set our boundaries, we just have to know what we want and stick to it. If we waiver, then those boundaries will be tested frequently. We also have to be consistent with the consequence that we offer.

Honestly, this story has allowed me to respect my dry cleaner for knowing what she wants. No matter what the reason. I am also proud of myself that I could use this is pure, wholesome learning.

Remember… we are human. And we humans are in this together.