A Different Spin on Goal Setting
Over the past year, I have become fascinated with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT Principles). While the discipline is derived from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), there is an empowering spin on working with our emotions.
DBT involves: Emotional Regulation, Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, and Interpersonal Communication.
The principles of DBT have allowed me to further embrace my highly emotional self. In the past, I thought that being “too sensitive” or “highly emotional” was a problem. Was I ever wrong.
I now know this part of me is my superpower. Once I embraced my gift and gained tools to further develop and nurture my emotional health, thousands of pounds lifted off my chest (or so it felt).
My new awareness prompted me to evaluate how I was setting goals for myself and how I could potentially help my clients do the same. What if we shifted our focus from setting tangible goals to emotional goals?
Let’s use an example.
Piper is a 45-year-old female who has been trying to “lose weight” her entire life without having any long-term success. While she has tried many different diets, they were all rooted in achieving the results of weighing less on the scale. And most of the strategies involved eating less and exercising more. The effort seemed so much greater than the return on investment, so Piper often found herself discouraged and disappointed. Ultimately, Piper would give up on her goal of “losing weight.”
A few years go by, and Piper wants to make a change, but she is not willing to do it the way she has tried in the past. She started to learn about her genetics, hormones, and body type, and became well-versed in the science of body composition change. She starts to regain hope. She’s having trouble knowing what her actual goal is because she has always tried to lose weight, however, muscle gain with some fat loss to follow seems like a much better alternative.
This is massive growth for Piper.
Piper decides to work with me. We begin the process, and she tells me right away that she doesn’t know which goal to pick. So, I asked her… What is your core desire? How do you want to feel in your life?
She took a deep sigh and said, “Peace. I want to feel at peace in my life.”
We explore this. If Piper’s goal is Peace, then how will she create more of this? I have her define what peace feels like. She says “slow.” I ask her if she typically moves “slow” in her life. She laughs, “Um. No.”
How do we create a slower pace?
We must believe that slowing things down so that we can be intentional with our desires is worth it. Then we use peace as the guiding force to achieve optimal health. Every decision we make with nutrition, exercise, thoughts we choose to think, and who we hang out with must facilitate peace.
So, we do a check in. As we start to make decisions about our health, we ask… Does this decision align with my core desire? In Piper’s case, Peace.
Will drinking a bottle of bourbon bring me sustainable Peace?
Will over exercising bring me sustainable Peace?
Will over scrolling instead of going to bed bring me sustainable Peace?
Will under exercising bring me sustainable Peace?
Will lack of self-compassion bring me sustainable Peace?
Will surrounding myself with those who take and take from me bring sustainable Peace?
Will trying to control things I can’t bring me sustainable Peace?
Will not trusting myself bring me Peace?
Will overeating bring me Peace?
Will undereating bring me Peace?
The above are all the things that tend to come up when we set unrealistic high expectations for ourselves, and when we don’t meet them, we feel as though we failed. So, we take on many behaviors that will send us in the total opposite direction of Peace.
I then asked myself: What will help me to achieve my goal of Peace?
Connecting with my husband
Watching my daughters enjoy new experiences
Speaking my truth
Trusting myself
Exiting out of relationships that don’t serve me
Exercising in a way that makes me feel powerful
Eating in a non-restrictive way that allows me to nourish my body
Allowing people to be wrong about me
Creating time and space in my day
Being in Nature
Meditating in my own thoughts to become inspired
Imagine what setting a goal based on core desire may unleash for you. Trust Yourself.
Wishing you all peace and love and connection with what you truly desire.
Xoxox
Ali