Trying To Control Everything??

One of the things that comes up often in my groups is the idea that we can control things we really can’t.

When we try to do this, it is a total energy drain. And it is a path that leads nowhere.

We will spend our time getting frustrated when we can’t control situations, people, outcomes, results… you name it.

So, why do we do this? Why do we take on the impossible task of trying to control things we have no business taking ownership of?

Think about it this way… if something isn’t ours to fix, what do we do? We make it ours!!! If we make some other problem our problem, then we may have the ability to fix it. We take ownership of the problem so we can take things into our own hands and just fix it. We then start to say things like, “I am the only one who can do this,” and, “I do everything!” 

This is bad news for us because we are volunteering to take on more stress, responsibility, conflict, disappointment, and so many other things that were not meant for us. 

This comes up so often in relationships.

Let’s say that your partner gets upset with something that you do. Maybe you decided to go out with a bunch of friends instead of going to a concert with them. In the past, maybe you did it anyway but felt guilt and worry when your partner gave you the silent treatment.

What is happening is that you are taking responsibility for your partner. You are taking the problem on as your own. And, it’s not yours.

Often we find ourselves a scapegoat in situations where we happily take on the disappointment of others. Over time, this is a classic way for us to find ourselves in codependent relationships.

What would happen if we stood up for ourselves and stopped doing this? We worry about the difficult conversation, the conflict, and perhaps the end of a relationship. And, what if standing up for ourselves actually strengthened the relationship?

What if we stopped trying to control the outcome of the relationship?

What if we stopped trying to control the way the dishes got done? Or the way the clothes were folded?

What if we stopped doing “everything” because we are certain that it wouldn’t get done otherwise? And, so what if it didn’t get done?

Taking on what is not ours with our loved ones is a great set-up for learned helplessness. Perhaps our need to control is doing way more harm than good. 

What if today, you just allowed instead of controlled?

What if you owned what is yours and did not take on what is not?

In the end, we just want to help. Maybe we can spend some extra time helping ourselves just a bit more.

Sending you all my love,
Ali