“I Don’t Need It, But I Want It”
The thought, “I don’t need it, but I want it” brings up so many different feelings. We feel doubtful or even guilty and selfish. And it comes up often in many different places, like when you’re ordering groceries, online shopping, and cleaning out your closet.
It can get kind of fuzzy when we have to draw the line between need and want. How do you know which is which? And when is it okay to just want it?
Here’s my answer: if you want it, you have two choices. You can own wanting something and proceed in wanting that thing, or you can think more and come up with pros and cons, coming to the decision that you don’t need it and talk yourself out of wanting it. But if you’re constantly having little reminders of whatever it is that you want, you can probably pay attention to them. After all, what’s so wrong with just wanting something for pleasure?
Pleasure
Pleasure is a human experience that can be embraced. It’s so important to allow ourselves to experience pleasure and do things that we want to do just because. So why don’t we create more pleasure in our lives?
How does pleasure feel? It’s slow. You want to stay in it forever. It’s typically centrally located in your heart, radiating out. What things bring you that type of pleasure? For my clients, it’s hugs and snuggles, candles, hot tea, and exercise. Clothing, pajamas, and sheets that they love. People whose presence makes them feel pleasure.
There are so many ways to incorporate pleasure into every day. Typically we don’t make it a priority because it’s not a survival necessity. It’s not something that has to happen, but we can choose to make it happen which will make our lives even more full.
So if you’re craving a full, flowing, amazing life that’s a bit slower than the one you’re currently living, pleasure may be something you need.
When I channel the feeling of pleasure, I think, “Why don’t I do this more?” and “It feels really good to be in this moment” and “There are so many opportunities in this day to bring something beautiful in my life.” So instead of saying, “I want it but I don’t need it,” we can say, “For me to have the life that I want to, I do need this.”
Comparison
When we think we need something, we’re basically saying something may be wrong, that there’s a void we’re trying to fill. But that is a limiting belief because we aren’t yet adapted to the idea that pleasure is necessary. It leads us down the pathway of feeling selfish and greedy. We start judging, comparing ourselves to others, weighing our priorities against those of others and starting to believe we want or need something we don’t really want.
So where do we go from here? How do we start thinking about what we want?
For us to decide what we want and truly need, we can start with the basics: food, shelter, water. In fact, simplifying in this way can be a great source of pleasure. And when you really think about what’s enough, you’ll start to feel like you are enough. Then you can get to that place of asking yourself what you want. When we’re able to go from “Who am I?” to “What do I need?” and “What do I want and what brings me pleasure?” we can embrace our unique beauty and avoid those comparisons. We’ll all find our own zone, understanding what feels good for us.
Have you ever had a friend or a relative in your life who does something that brings them pleasure, like redoing their kitchen or getting a dog, and you hear the announcement and it brings up something weird for you? You’re super excited for them but you also wonder, “Do I need that? Do I want that? Maybe I should do that.”
When those we love are going in a certain direction, we wonder if we’re missing out. Let’s figure out who you are and what you want independent of others. Because if you’re wanting things based on comparison, it might lead you down a path that you may not want to go down.
Hats
We all wear so many different hats. Partner, mother, friend, daughter. When we start to break down what we need and want, it’ll look different when we have our different hats on.
One of my hats is “athlete.” When I’m wearing that hat, I need movement. But what I want is to keep getting better and stronger because it brings me a lot of joy and empowers me. Materially, I might have everything I need to keep getting stronger and staying healthy. But I want new equipment and memberships. And that’s okay! Maybe not everybody needs a GHD device in their home gym, but it was something I wanted.
The idea is that it’s okay to want things. Even if you’re having a tough time drawing the line between need and want, it’s fine! There doesn’t need to be a solid line between need and want because those things change from day to day, month to month, year to year, and hat to hat. The important thing is to check in with yourself to see where you are in your life and make room for both the needs and the wants. You’ll find they blur together nicely.
The reason this topic is so uncomfortable is that it requires being comfortable with the grey zone between needing and wanting. We don’t have a definitive answer all the time. In the grey zone, we have to go with the flow and figure it out.
So spend some time today checking in with yourself and figuring out what it is that you want. Break down all the hats you wear and focus on one of them. Go through the process of figuring out what you want and what you need for that hat.
For example, let’s look at the “partner hat.” In a relationship, the things you need are the dealbreakers. They’re your boundaries, what you need for the relationship to flourish. The things you want are the ones that are exciting about the relationship, like having a date night once a week.
So what do you want? Pick a hat. Think about what you want. This work will allow us to have self-love, self-acceptance, and compassion for ourselves. Remember, you are perfect. You are enough. And it is okay to want things for pure pleasure.