“I Can’t Let Go of My Anger”

You know that stirring feeling deep in your body that won’t go away? Mostly, it doesn’t feel good... But there’s a littlepart of it that does feel nice, which makes us want to hold on. That’s anger.

Anger is typically located in your chest, and it radiates to all different areas like your head. It’s fast and aggressive. It’s gnawing. It’s bright red or orange. 

Back in the day, when homo sapiens survived based on their ability to vanquish enemies and bring food home to their tribes, those who made it tended to have dopamine released when they were angry. That’s why sometimes anger can feel really good and be hard to let go of… Could that be because we have good reason to feel angry? 

What Anger Does

Why is it a problem when you can’t let your anger go? What is the problem with holding onto anger? Let’s say anger is the circumstance. Your thought is, “I should not still be mad about this.” So what comes up? Typically, when we say “should,” it can bring up a good amount of anxiety. Because what it says is, “Where I am right now is not okay.” When we feel anxious, what actions do we take?

We ruminate. We think about the scenario again and again. We relive it. We’re irritable and snappy and in a bad mood. Some blame comes up, maybe for yourself or the other person in the situation. It becomes this drawn-out drama. Typically, our anger makes us want to do something. But we can’t go out and do the physical things anger makes us want to do, because it’s not socially appropriate. So what do we do? We bottle it in. The result is a mess. We don’t want to feel this way but we don’t know how to get past it.

Anger is Your Friend

But what if I told you holding onto anger is actually your friend? What if anger were our little buddy that reminded us that we have the ability and right to keep our boundaries? Maybe it’s the voice that protects you from other people stepping past your boundaries.

So let’s say instead of thinking, “I should not still be mad about this,” we think, “Anger is here to protect me. Anger is trying to remind me to not ignore it.” What feeling comes up? Relaxation. I feel like I can let my guard down. One of my actions is that I’m not so uptight. I can let everything be. I’m not afraid of confrontation or others trying to cross my boundaries. In fact, I’ll probably respect other people’s boundaries even more. The result is that anger can stay. It’s welcome any time.

Embracing Anger

Let me offer a personal example. Once, I hired somebody and was working with them on a project. We had clear conversations about my expectations. Not all of them were in writing, but I had trust and open-mindedness that things would go as we discussed. But as the months went on, the things that were promised verbally weren’t happening and I started to have a gut feeling that something wasn’t right.

Four months in, I knew it was time to move on. I spoke to the individual. And in the end, we agreed. But after all was said and done, I was angry at myself. I thought that I should have stood up for myself even more. But this was all-or-none thinking. I had stood up for myself. Did I say every single thing I could have said? No. But maybe that is how it was supposed to go. Maybe the positive end result was that I knew what the next step was.

When I started to look at it that way, and realized it was my dear friend anger that pointed out to me that my boundaries were being crossed, it changed everything. I started to open my eyes to all the other places in my life that I was letting boundaries slip and slide. I realized that for me to be able to serve my family and clients and self, I needed to be much clearer about these things.

I started deciding how I wanted things to go, and I noticed that every time I was just starting to make a decision, I paused and thought, “But what would so-and-so think about this? Wouldn’t it make them feel bad?”. 

Then, my coach dropped a life-changing truth bomb on me: “Your life and your business is not a democracy.” This powerful and clear thought allowed me to take ownership of what I really want and not be afraid of my anger.

My word for 2020 was boundaries. And it’s just now, two months before the end of the year, that it’s all starting to fall into place. So now, as we’re starting to approach the end of this year, it’s time to look toward choosing a word for 2021. What do you want for yourself? What can you commit to?