Have You Heard of The Yips?

I wanted to share something very personal that for years I couldn’t even talk about.

See - I never had a problem throwing a softball. In fact, I could hit the catcher’s target at home plate from far center field. My senior year in high school, I remember grabbing a ball at home plate and I was unable to hit my target at first base. It was subtle at first.

Then… it hit me like a ton of bricks. My first day as a college softball player. I received a full scholarship to play at Seton Hall University. I was in right field taking fielding practice. When the ball was hit to me, I stopped it… but I was unable to throw it. It was as if my wrist turned to stone. Then the next day at practice, it happened again. To the point that I was barely able to play catch. My wrist could just lock up.

It was humiliating. It was as if I had never played a game of softball in my life. But, here I was, a full scholarship athlete and I couldn’t throw the ball. Once it was noticed, the coach did everything he could to put me on the spot thinking more inducing more pressure would help this. 

I developed anxiety… depression… I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was sure that I would lose my scholarship. But, fortunately I was able to come through with my hitting ability to hold my spot. It never got better. I had a special routine I went through to be able to throw during a game of catch. And I would pray to sit on the bench; I didn’t want to play. I would do anything not to be publicly embarrassed and “found out.”

I knew that if I stopped playing, I would let everyone down. I worried that I might regret leaving. Not once did I consider that what was happening to me was actually something known in sports. Something called: the Yips.

The Yips is a form of task-specific focal dystonia that is heightened by anxiety. Focal dystonia is a condition in which certain muscles that have long been used repeatedly to perform a task, suddenly cannot perform that task anymore. It manifests itself with a loss of awareness of body position and locking of limbs. The “locking of the hand” feeling that many players report is caused by the muscles in the wrist activating at the wrong time.

This. Is. What. I. Had.

I wish it were different. I kept going despite the extreme fear and anxiety that I felt every time I walked on the softball field. I don’t believe that this was necessary. In fact, I wish I was brave enough to have asked for help. At the time, I wasn’t.

I took summer classes so that I could finish my degree early. You know, I still have nightmares about having to play one more season of softball. All because of the fear of having to throw the ball.

Why am I sharing? I am sharing because we don’t always have to push through at the expense of our mental, emotional, and physical health. As doctors… we do this often. And each time, we pay the price.

What I wish for you all:

Be extra kind and gentle to yourselves. Stop pushing so hard all the time. It’s ok to stop or say no. You are enough, just as you are… you are enough.

I choose to accept myself - yips and all - knowing that I have my own back now; I don’t have to be afraid anymore.

Thank you for letting me share. It’s something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while. Also, hoping to inspire you, and encourage you to do the same.